Fuck Your Gear

Hey there RebelRebelz.


I am eating a banana. (Thought you would appreciate that - and now you are hoping I will tell you why you gag sometimes - especially at the end of eating a banana, right? Well, it's actually NOT because you repressed the memory of your father mouth fucking you as a child (contrary to your perverted psychiatrist's bizarre theories and highly unprofessional and intrusive programming). 
You know the bits of inner skin? The flaky bits INSIDE the skin? Eat a bit of that. Now spend the rest of the day trying to get the FOUL DEAD GRANNY VAGINA taste out of your mouth. 
You're welcome very much).


In today's lesson we will (Edit: NOT!) learn dem tings abowt the pitchy volumez (aka E.Q. - stands for equalisation - yes I don't know why it is a two letter acronym either - I guess equillasaks yes, it's a pain in the hole to type. EQ. Simple nice carry on).


Before we begin I care very much to address an issue every one of you has pube tugging concerns about. 


Equipment. 


Even if you can afford an Ambient Designer to put bits of foam on your walls (he will do this randomly btw - he hasn't any better an idea than you, but he makes fifty kazillion more quids than you do stickling foam on walls and he will charge you accordingly)...


Look DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR GEAR OR STUDIO SPACE. Buy what you can afford or use what you have. You will ALWAYS consider your equipment inadequate but it's not ok sweetie? It's not. You have a very girthy penis, ok? Don't worry shnickens you will STILL BE ABLE TO PRODUCE EXCELLENT STUFF - even MORESO if you are working within limitations - you might just get CREATIVE! hMMMM?


K. Don't worry about your gear, K? Just don't worry. There, there. It's going to be just fine.


Look, I don't think you're ready for the lesson. You really need to consider this and let it sink in.


So your homework is look over your equipment and pet it. Give it a li'l slow wink. Rub it gently and hug it. Kiss it softly, deftly. Rub your body on it. Rub your body all over that wonderful gear you have. Make love to it. Passionate steamy love.


DO NOT CUM ON YOUR EQUIPMENT!


That part is really important. It might break things.


But the exercise is a promotion of LOVE for what you have available to you to produce QUALITY SOUND. You can do it with a dictaphone, pots and pans and a one string guitar - I SWEAR to you it is POSSIBLE!


So take that dictaphone and insert it..


WAIT! 


2nd very important thing - do not take any of your gear into yourself in any way [Edit: possible exception, tube/mic setup for a voice-box]. That one could also land you in hospital and the nurses will be showing your xray to their friends at Friday night's dinner party and they will howl laughing at that Shure SM58 microphone poking out your butt and glug down another bottle of wine and then go "MIRRIAM! MIRRIAM! Show us the X-ray again Mirrium!" and howl laughing all over again.


Just don't do it.


But DO love and make sweet love with your equipment. Cherish it and love it and trust that it can and will be capable of producing the sounds you crave so badly - even though they are a blatant rip off of Daft Punk meets Justice that everyone is doing (don't do that).


Lovely stuff. Well done. We'll get down to 'doing dem biznissez' next time, k? 
There's no rush sweetie, just hump your gear and everything will be better I promise. K? 


K, lovely stuff.