Thursday, 1 September 2011


Alright alright STFU!
I know I haven't been here to change your diapers and mop your stinky face for weeks at this point, but sorry kiddo, Daddy was drunk ngK?

Yeah. For two weeks. Get over it.

So last time - which was, like, fucking way longer ago we discussed how you'd have been better off in the late sixties working in a mine in Northern England buying two or three 45rpm singles a week than you are now with your excessive pocket monies and access to all the free music in the world at the end of a keyboard. You asshole, your music collection FUCKING SUCKS!

Not least because it is hugely compromised squished-to-fuck tinny cruddy muddy mp3s, but mostly because it just does. it sucks.
Too much choice these days... rant rant rant. Etc.

Let's pretend you have a DJ gig coming up (yeah right).
And let's PRETEND you have a half decent 'record' collection.

What will you SELECT to bring?
Bear in mind vinyl is heavy and takes up space in your bag.

No, no, no: idgaf if you are dj-ing from your laptop in real life. This is another exercise which will focus your dumb ass.

You have to play for 6+ hours. Three to six minutes a song, that's a back breaking amount of vinyl.
If you're clever and done the collecting good then you don't have a dud tune... but! have to play a certain type of crowd innit?

Let's say... it's 1984.
And it's an underground house venue.

You are, of course, from Chicago or possibly New York, and male (obviously)... and gay. And black.... and probably high as fuck most of the time.

But that's beside the point, check it.
Seven inch singles are no good now.
The discotheque has massive boomboom speakers and you want to take advantage of that bass. Albums and 45's will NOT cut it.
Also, make sure ALL of your selection is produced kick ass with plenty of bass in there and a generally amazing balance across the board.
Most of it should HOP out of your own home system and give you at LEAST a semi when played out on the club's speakers.

(Same translates to digital you guys. Shitty 128kbs mp3's sound awful - even CD's suck. Do NOT drop a tune that isn't full and powerful sounding).

You are totally down on all the latest underground hits and you have 'em all on 12". Nice.
Grab maybe 45% of those.
Do yourself a favour and don't look like a clueless dick... the records you bought yesterday and THINK are great might actually only SEEM great to you right now. Perspective man, get some.

Learn that that shit wasn't so hot by yourself in a week rather than getting over excited, blowing your load behind the decks only to witness an empty floor. (Having said all that look up Ron Hardy playing out 'Acid Tracks' for the first time).

ONLY bring records you know in your heart and soul to be absolute beauties. That way you can't put a foot wrong.
ONLY bring records that will suit the crowd, venue and atmosphere.
You made a few reel-to-reel edits. You think they kick ass, but do they really? 

And THAT said, do take risks. It's a house venue - they want the four-to-the-floor, but how about some Santana to chill those hyped up bitches out? That re-edit you made of Love Is The Message with the wussy intro gone and the extended break could blow the place APART! How about that cod-tastic Chicago number to surprise them? Just because 'Holiday' by Madonna is 'so last year' and too commercial doesn't mean the crowd may not go fucking wild for it if played at the right moment.

Just don't have one fucking tune accessible to you for the night that will be indulgence for you alone. Be honest with yourself about this. You ARE NOT PLAYING FOR YOU!
And... THAAAAAT said - don't play ANYTHING you don't completely believe in. If in any way actually into music, the crowd will read that and walk.

I hate to, but I'll summarise, just this once:

1) Select GOOD QUALITY well produced tunes (*unless you are Jamaican).

2) Bring only the styles of music that will work for the crowd & venue.
3) Careful now - new and exciting does not mean 'good' - try and be objective as possible about new releases.
4) Stray from number 2 (and even 3 a bit), knowing that you're willing to take risks and surprise them.

6) Number Five.

...7)Be very fucking wily about how you pack your records.

Do not (EVVVVVVORRRR) pack your set fully programmed, but do it with a game-plan in mind. Put the tunes you know will work together together, the stuff you think will work first at the back (yes, at the back shhh now. Playing vinyl, you will realise why while playing out) etc. Do be prepared to deviate quite wildly at times and be 90% sure you can find any record in the selection in one minute or less.

Call your mate Barry to help with the extra bag you really shouldn't be bringing - it's mostly shit music that will ruin your rep.

See you for the set.