Thursday, 1 September 2011


Alright alright STFU!
I know I haven't been here to change your diapers and mop your stinky face for weeks at this point, but sorry kiddo, Daddy was drunk ngK?

Yeah. For two weeks. Get over it.

So last time - which was, like, fucking way longer ago we discussed how you'd have been better off in the late sixties working in a mine in Northern England buying two or three 45rpm singles a week than you are now with your excessive pocket monies and access to all the free music in the world at the end of a keyboard. You asshole, your music collection FUCKING SUCKS!

Not least because it is hugely compromised squished-to-fuck tinny cruddy muddy mp3s, but mostly because it just does. it sucks.
Too much choice these days... rant rant rant. Etc.

Let's pretend you have a DJ gig coming up (yeah right).
And let's PRETEND you have a half decent 'record' collection.

What will you SELECT to bring?
Bear in mind vinyl is heavy and takes up space in your bag.

No, no, no: idgaf if you are dj-ing from your laptop in real life. This is another exercise which will focus your dumb ass.

You have to play for 6+ hours. Three to six minutes a song, that's a back breaking amount of vinyl.
If you're clever and done the collecting good then you don't have a dud tune... but! have to play a certain type of crowd innit?

Let's say... it's 1984.
And it's an underground house venue.

You are, of course, from Chicago or possibly New York, and male (obviously)... and gay. And black.... and probably high as fuck most of the time.

But that's beside the point, check it.
Seven inch singles are no good now.
The discotheque has massive boomboom speakers and you want to take advantage of that bass. Albums and 45's will NOT cut it.
Also, make sure ALL of your selection is produced kick ass with plenty of bass in there and a generally amazing balance across the board.
Most of it should HOP out of your own home system and give you at LEAST a semi when played out on the club's speakers.

(Same translates to digital you guys. Shitty 128kbs mp3's sound awful - even CD's suck. Do NOT drop a tune that isn't full and powerful sounding).

You are totally down on all the latest underground hits and you have 'em all on 12". Nice.
Grab maybe 45% of those.
Do yourself a favour and don't look like a clueless dick... the records you bought yesterday and THINK are great might actually only SEEM great to you right now. Perspective man, get some.

Learn that that shit wasn't so hot by yourself in a week rather than getting over excited, blowing your load behind the decks only to witness an empty floor. (Having said all that look up Ron Hardy playing out 'Acid Tracks' for the first time).

ONLY bring records you know in your heart and soul to be absolute beauties. That way you can't put a foot wrong.
ONLY bring records that will suit the crowd, venue and atmosphere.
You made a few reel-to-reel edits. You think they kick ass, but do they really? 

And THAT said, do take risks. It's a house venue - they want the four-to-the-floor, but how about some Santana to chill those hyped up bitches out? That re-edit you made of Love Is The Message with the wussy intro gone and the extended break could blow the place APART! How about that cod-tastic Chicago number to surprise them? Just because 'Holiday' by Madonna is 'so last year' and too commercial doesn't mean the crowd may not go fucking wild for it if played at the right moment.

Just don't have one fucking tune accessible to you for the night that will be indulgence for you alone. Be honest with yourself about this. You ARE NOT PLAYING FOR YOU!
And... THAAAAAT said - don't play ANYTHING you don't completely believe in. If in any way actually into music, the crowd will read that and walk.

I hate to, but I'll summarise, just this once:

1) Select GOOD QUALITY well produced tunes (*unless you are Jamaican).

2) Bring only the styles of music that will work for the crowd & venue.
3) Careful now - new and exciting does not mean 'good' - try and be objective as possible about new releases.
4) Stray from number 2 (and even 3 a bit), knowing that you're willing to take risks and surprise them.

6) Number Five.

...7)Be very fucking wily about how you pack your records.

Do not (EVVVVVVORRRR) pack your set fully programmed, but do it with a game-plan in mind. Put the tunes you know will work together together, the stuff you think will work first at the back (yes, at the back shhh now. Playing vinyl, you will realise why while playing out) etc. Do be prepared to deviate quite wildly at times and be 90% sure you can find any record in the selection in one minute or less.

Call your mate Barry to help with the extra bag you really shouldn't be bringing - it's mostly shit music that will ruin your rep.

See you for the set.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Update - another trip.

Fuck me. So sorry all. I went on a 'shopping' City break recently.
Got in a bit of bother. Not much, but funny that I actually purchased a hoodie and scarf before my trip considering the amount of fucking gear I 'obtained' while away and the amount of sports shops with 'free' hoodies I visited.

I have no interest in sports goods, so I just threw nikes in burning vehicles mostly.

I should holiday elsewhere but I do love that city.

Can't go into too much more detail, but just to let you know I will be back on the dj thing pretty soon.

Also, I love you fuckfaces. Catch y'all up in time.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011


Alright you sick twisted thieving fucks.
I realise you have 276GB of unforgivably lossy lossy (look that up I cba) mewsick on your hard drive, all of which you obtained in the most conniving and criminal of ways - illegal Internet download, but let's consider this fact:

87% of those cruddy mp3 files are shit.
That's not just my opinion (my opinion is actually in the high 90's tbh).
That's not just objective fact (probably same figure as mine).
That's YOUR fucking opinion you douche.

How do you expect to be able to separate the cream from the crud moron?

I has fowldors + I maintains em good.

I give a fuck.

Let's instead consider the bad old days.
The days when you'd sweat and bleed for four shillings and a ha'penny a week.
The highlight of that week would have been a Saturday afternoon trip down to Ron's Rekka Sto'.
You'd pop into Ron, red faced and beaming as Ron rubs his hands gleefully under the counter.

Ron knows you like the funkier shit and he's set aside some of the rarer imports he knows you will drool over and weigh up your cinema outing and decide to forgo the vague opportunity of a fondle with Francine for the sake of the latest rare motown 45 (because you my friend are a geek, and you shamefully choose trainspotter ornithologist collector ways over a good grope at the talkies).

Through the jigs and the reels and the chat and the listening you decide to definitely get the motown number and even though you hate the Rolling Stones, fuck it, you'll take Jumpin' Jack Flash because it's a damn stonking tune in fairness. Having your slacks let out will have to wait another week. Or perhaps Aunty Felicity might do it if you drop in for a spot of delightful teacakes and a natter later on.

After two years of toiling in this way you have built a sizeable collection.
You are the envy of your muso nerd mates and when they need someone to play some numbers after their weekly gig at Dandelion Garden (because dj's are all the rage these days) you're the man they call upon.

Now you haven't a clue about dj-ing. It's only one turntable so that will have to do.
But more to the point you can't read a crowd, and you can't program for shit.
First night you play all your funky shit up first, all in a row and then mellow the crowd out a little too much because you (quite rightly - with exception later when you get actually good at it) refuse to replay records.

It's not a great start, but you have one fucking solid gold weapon.

Will you ever play a bum track?

Fucking never.

Because you don't HAVE any bum tracks.

Every single single you eeked your hard earned cash out for is incredible because it had to be.
You couldn't click a mouse three times and download Ace of Bass' entire backcatalogue only to realise you do actually hate it all and would never ever play any of it in a set (idiot, a couple of their successful singles are fucking brilliant - listen PROPERLY!)
Back in the rough old times you had to actually listen when you made the choice to part with the moola.
You had to really consider which tunes gave you the biggest boners and which ones you sadly had to let go because they didn't make you cum a little right there and then in Ron's.

And hence, even after your first gig, with its faults and fuck ups, extended periods of dead air, playing album tracks at munchkin speed for a few seconds, its misread badly programmed come down iffyness, people think you are fucking amazing. Because they didn't even realise they fucking adored every single tune. Even the ones they'd never heard before.
And now they trust you and your taste and you just know when you get the sequencing down you will have them wailing and crying from the sheer exquisiteness of your set.

Get it?

Get it?

So here's your homework you spoilt techno-brats.
You're going to Ron's Rekka Sto'.

Take a virtual $50. Go on take it - it's only imaginary.
Go to or ebay or wherever.
'Spend' it on VINYL releases (try to avoid reissues please) between 1967 and 1970.

Do not make a set list out of those tunes. Yet.

Do it again another three times at least a day apart and then make a set from the $150 worth.

(Strap on your virtual mask and striped pullover if you like and burglarise the Internets for the mp3s and make the playlist if you fancy. But I may call the cyber police on you.)

One bum track and you will never be a disco dj like you might have been if you worked the mines in those 'dark ages' we just fantasised about.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Personal DJ History

My first proper gig I idiotically roped in a friend (who introduced me to the ways of the technoes) to warm up.
Had I done the gig alone (and possibly not pissed him off by telling him what not to play) and not ended a decent enough set on a fucking awful selection with shockingly bad production, I may have got the regular spot instead of him.
Use your brains.

My next stint was via a bouncer I knew at a trendy bar. Fucking disaster - the place was always empty except for the VIP room which was NEXT DOOR to the bar I was 'spinning' in. (Not my fault, but that set up just never fucking works - piped music is piped and if you can only 'read the crowd' by intermittently running back and forth to another room then, well, you can't read your fucking crowd can ya?)
One night, no word of a lie, I dropped a tune off a U2 album that wasn't actually U2. As coincidence would have it, after I packed up and was waiting downstairs fucking Bo-no swans in for a late-night tipple.
Maybe if I'd had an audience to bounce off I mightn't have been so bored after playing four hours of music to a solitary barman and still been playing tunes for the arrival of His Highness and consequently not been dropped like a hot snot.
Play until you're told to stop.

In film school I made a short documentary about DJ-ing. Used a local pro to to demonstrate the 'ins and outs' in a 'day in the life' kind of thing.
After wrapping he invited me to dj at a house party.
I wanted to cater for the drunk guests as well as the ecstasy riddled hosts. Bad idea.
Much like men will follow women to the floor no matter what, drunks will dance to anything as long as ANYONE is dancing.
I was playing out the boom boom and decided to switch it up and throw in some Prince and shite. The wrecked buzz was palpable. That decision brought everyone (except the three drunk fuckers) down 10 notches and the messy drunks finished off the buzz-wreck as I tried to get the techno-train rolling again. But it was too late. That 5% again. Never be 'clever'.

Next up was the 'party scene' proper. I just about had the stamina, and did get away with playing sets for the drunks and then for the rockers and then pillheads, but as dawn rolled in through the windows and bathed the place in a peachy glow, I denied the druggies their banging tunes and played out 'Les Fluers'. It was fucking beautiful but only one other person (also a dj) really appreciated it.
Then, in disgust I popped a Joey Beltram banger on the table and played it over and over. They ate it up. I sneered down my nose and forgot to play the reserve techno mix-CD I'd had, just grabbed all my shit and stormed off.
I was not invited back to play. You are not 'better' than your crowd.

I did a number of after-party sets for a very popular '80's cover band. They'd pull about a thousand proper fans in a few times a year. They paired me up with another cunt. (The only time that has ever worked for me was at my own party one time - playing one-for-one with a good buddy. Great fun, but a once off).
First few nights were successful enough, particularly because he'd fuck off and leave me to play Madonna 'Like a Prayer' and New Order 'Blue Monday' and rock the fucking place by the end.
But then he ditched the cd's and brought in a laptop.
I'd peer over his shoulder at the playlist and ask him not to play certain tracks I'd hauled all the way across town.
Not cool. Either way.
He ended up playing very lukewarm New Jack bullshit and emptying the room.
I'd pick it back up but the energy would drop again on his next set.
No consistency and I no doubt ticked him off considerably. That last night I ended up playing pure rubbish to a room a third full of disinterested piss heads.
Don't be a dick.
If possible I will only ever play out solo again. Only trouble is smoke breaks.

And my last stint (in a '70's styled bar) was killed by a badly chosen smoke-break record.
I didn't even really need that smoke, but I threw on an extended spiraling funk record with ridiculous sprawling sax solos going nowhere.
When I got in from the cig, maybe four minutes into the worst of the tune I realised I'd have to pull it.
As I flicked the fader to a Doobie Brothers track, the head barman was at my shoulder already complaining.
"Yeah, I realise that tune was rubbish, that's why I flicked to this one" didn't save me. Neither did "I don't tell you how shit a barman you are you cunt" oddly enough.
And they cancelled my NYE gig without notice. Nice.
Don't be a lazy selfish cunt.

Perhaps one day I will play a successful gig or six.
Or perhaps you shall, if we all bear in mind these failures.

Friday, 8 July 2011

DJ Guide disclaimer

Right, I'm not the worst DJ in the world. 

95% of the time I am completely fucking amazing.
My track selection is mind blowing; mixing skills are pretty damn spot on and my programming is fucking brilliant.... but for that 5%

That 5% - that one misplaced tune eclipses the sheer wonder and brilliance of my dj-ing skills. Every time.

I have always managed to completely fuck up every start to any dj 'career' with one stupidly placed track.

This is why you should listen carefully to every word of the guide which will smack you in the face over the coming weeks, and then most importantly, disregard it all, because the essence of dj-ing is knowing what track to put on next. Something to suit the atmosphere and the mood of your crowd.

Yeah, try risks now and then, but never be uncertain and never panic. And NEVER EVER think you know better than your crowd.
True enough, much like a woman in bed, they don't know what the fuck they want but when you hit the spot they will love you for it and want to grind your body all night long.

Anyway, most of this guide will be ripped from 'How to DJ [Properly]: The Art and Science of Playing Records' by Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster (from memory of flicking through it in a music shop one time).

And by the way I don't give a fuck what kind of music you prefer. 
DJ sets with Velvet Underground, Tupac, Britney and Deadmau5 which WORK fucking WORK. Straight up jacking Chicago House sets which WORK, just fucking work. It makes no fucking odds what you play or are into: if your audience don't dig it it doesn't work.

Also, if you think I am going to get in any way stylistically technical any time soon, forget it.
Beatmatching is not to be encouraged until you know what the fuck you're doing. Your mates don't fucking like Detroit techno, why do you think they are at all impressed with your perfectly mixed sets at their party?

Just play some Parliament Funkadelic and Stevie Wonder for the fuckers so they can have a half decent night already. And stop trying to beatmatch that shit and all ffs - just play it out.

Oh and I also don't give a fuck about your equipment. Use a pair of cassette players for all I care. The principles are the same for all formats (although technical sound quality should almost ALWAYS be a serious consideration). 
We'll pretend you're playing on vinyl in the guide btw. Get over it.

*Contains curse words and shit - avoid this guide if easily offended dickface.

I feel like I've written enough and you fuckers won't bother reading any more (if you've even got this far, but fuck it, I drunkenly monologued this crap last night so it's now or never). I'll (yeah right) try to keep it brief.

[edit: a bunch of text removed]

Nope... I will post my personal tragedy of a DJ 'career' next post I reckon.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


K. So. And everything.

I know I've been absent and practically living in the 'sad corner' and avoiding all of this and no offense, but Erika just posted and suddenly I have energy again.

Whatever we've been through and all. And all everything else.

But huzzah motherfuckers.

If that's a link I will kill myself.

No matter I've said I'd kill myself over various innocuous events many times over the past week or two but never meant it.

Just wanted to let y'all know and hopefully I'm na get myself out of my funk.
That first guide and everything that went with it rocked my world.
Maybe too much and I guess I needed the break.
Stoked now but, so DJ guide on the way?
Mmmm.... let's hope ffs DJ guide on the way.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011


There's so much shit that bubbles inside of me that I can't disclose.
It hurts a little.

Needless to say - I went on my 'trip'. I wasn't jailed and didn't do much that would warrant such. And I'm back.
And I wish I wasn't back but I am. I would far rather live in the streets and forage for free food wherever and whenever and beg for coins for booze to share with a special companion or two than be here and lost and lonely and have only my bed to comfort me.

I've been sleeping up to 15 hours a day since I got back and looking at only one screen - the snowy tv signal - even snowier since I threw the rabbit ears across the room and haven't bothered since, to position them for a decent signal.

Sorry, I promised my 'come back' post would not be depressing, but sick from the sleep and tv and self-pity, I finally got this machine back up and had to post *something*.

I hope to motivate myself, ignore the down and give a half decent DJ-guide starting pretty soon.

Thanks to those who commented while I was absent

ZombieMrs. PickleedD4Generally DisgruntledZombie (again), Drivebot (maxpower)

Y'all rock. Let's catch up soon.

I don't feel it's over. Let's get this motherfucker rolling.

Also: Steve Reich - Different Trains, am I Reich?

Tuesday, 31 May 2011


I am taking a trip.
I can't say where or for how long, or if I will be jailed for life as a result.

However, in the meantime I have published the ENTIRE fucking mix/master guide to a separate page up there somewhere.
I hope Ed-WERD won't be pissed about that (he's been copying all the 'sound' advice into a Word doc - I'm sure he wouldn't have bothered had he known I would do it but I didn't fucking know until today man, I AM SORRY!)

Anyway, whether you care for audio and music production or not, you should read every sensual word of the guide because, srsly dood, I want to make you a little hard n horny or moist in the knicker-pants and I put a fuck load of work into choosing just the right tantalising phrases to acheive that aim. 
Even if you have no CLUE what a 'reverb unit' is and have no inclination to do any audio work on anything evvvorr, idc, get your horn on from my meticulously crafted poetic prose and adore me for it and fantasise twice daily about it as you rub one out ffs. (I know you do it at least 3 times, so you can easily dedicate two to me, I deserve it COMEON!) Yeah.

(Sound familiar? - yeah I cut that from one of the pastes for the guide. I posted dem werds before one time, but it definitely deserved to be posted again).

So anyway. Enjoy the guide. Wish me luck and I hope to see (almost) all of you on the other side!

Monday, 30 May 2011

Another new leaf & Exporting Your Master

I got well distracted. 
Those of you who might be just here for the drama, sorry I guess. I'm done with that shit.

I'm getting back to the real reason behind this blog.
It's not to hook up with some irrational nutjob who shits marshmallows out her mouth and licks her cat's ass.

DONE with that shit. (suggestions on what to do with the $30 of paypal donation we got to actually hook up welcome).
Going to concentrate now on the good shit.

So after this last bit on mixing and mastering (if you missed previous stuff you may have to sift through various bullshit soap operas but I assure you it's worth it) I will fucking teach you clueless cunts how to DJ because why the fuck not?

I don't dj if I can help it. 
People are retarded and have terrible taste in music. But if you're into bothering at all I can show you how to play a room full of idiots a few tunes so that they would rather spit on you (in a 'nice' way) at the end of the night than scream at you for not playing Bob Dylan (ffs - Dylan is all very well two or three people chilling at home when all conversation has dried up but there's still a shit load of weed, but we have a room of clueless fucks to entertain and try and get dancing here you SPA) or Black Eyed Peas or whatever bullshit ("oh, I DO have it, but left it at home, sorry").

...last lesson mixing/mastering your precious audios...


Yo mah choon is like all BOOMKAPOWBLOMSMACKAPAKAWUPVROOM in mah earz an mayk my sexwee come in muh pantiez YUSSSSSSSSSS! Uhm *the toungue thing again* ...expoat, empeefree... er *tounge thing*

<b>Hold up, wait a minute!</b>

People will tell you not to use mp3. They will demand you use some lossless format that .01% of people in the (non music) real world give a shit about. 
I do mp3 but I would advise you to read up on lossy and lossless formats and decide for yourself.

You are uploading to your fucking youtube anyway (which I *told* you not to do) so they will reencode and fuck your sound up so whateverz man. (I think soundcloud actually do that also - AND seems to me they compress/effectively auto-remaster. 
What am I doing on soundcloud? They are shitheads! AND youtube are doing HD audio now wtf? WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT? 


Export/transcode at NO LOWER than 192kbps. Use a variable bitrate if you insist, but I don't. 
Variable bitrate is essentially a bunch of digital gremlin sprite things which go RIGHT INSIDE YOUR FILE, right in there, like, and tinker with your precious datas. Fixed bitrate leaves the digital gremlin sprite things out of it and even your mother will tell you that's just common sense.

Kewl. Look at you with your very own mp3 which you can hold in your hands and pet lovingly and cradle in your arms as you rock it to sleep in the evening and all the witty stuff I'm bored of trying to say anymore.

But, yes. Yay for you. Yay for me. Yay for all of us.
I do hope there has been a *morsel* of helpfulness amongst the huhhhuhhuhhhLARIOUs ranting and terrible, terrible sound advice.


Saturday, 28 May 2011

Last post?

K. Aside from personal tragedies and such - which you have witnessed in real time and documented here...

...I've been slow to get back into the sound engineering stuff because I have fuck all left to be honest.
I've shared almost everything I know regarding mixing and mastering.
I don't care to get into recording techniques because as I said - use a dictaphone if that's all you have and record your shit live in your bathroom with the thing taped to the cistern if that works for you. 

I can't know about all your gear and offer advice on how to record. You have to experiment with all that yourselves. If you want to spend money on studio time and engineers and that, just use your head and only use a space and people you are comfortable with.
If you're doing it at home, be creative with what you have. I dunno - that's all I can say on it really.

Or you know - just use DAW's and samples and be 100% electronic because it's fucking EASIER.

- or be abstract as fuck because that's even easier again (less lucrative though).

Sorry - I really wasn't on a downer when I started this, but I feel my mood and tone dragging a bit.

I'm just sad is all, that I don't seem to have anything more to contribute blog-wise and that the fucking awesome prospects that kicked off when I started this seem to have been shattered pretty much.
My own doing, I know... same as just about anything in life.

But yeah. Anyway. I guess I could do you a course in 'djing' but I would just be ripping off Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster.

Let me know. Tell me what you want from me. Encourage me. 
I love you guys very much and I want to keep interacting - even if all the romance is ballsed up possibly beyond repair. :[

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Party while you can

Yeah. Fuck, so shit. So damn. K.
Sorry I'm kinda buzzed right now.

Was on an .. well a semi-allnighter. I got about four hours sleep. Between 6 and 10 I think and then woke up and got stuck back into it.

This girl. Fucking cool friend of mine [edit NOT MY EX OR ANYTHING SEXUAL] accidentally locked us out of her own place right?
We were coming back from the bar or some shit. Wait. Music. music.

Music - sorted - drown out the noise of the fucking or w/e from upstairs. THIS IS COCAINE SPEAKIN.

Cool so.

Yeah. We tried out best to have the funs for a while but it was looking a bit shit - all the booze was inside and we were outside right?

And then Feet Wit Da Feet came along (that's whats we call him cos he got feets - and he dances crazy like). And he had the happy happy and we all had a goo and suddenly we didn't really give afuck we were locked out it became like a game and then just fun times really, hanging on the porch playing some fuckin crazy games and stuff (won't go into it now but I could say that the friends 'knickers' (as she called em) ended up over Feet's jeans... and there was 'blood' on 'em. - and more I can't .. never mind.)

After about three hours or something we'd almost all passed out (I just pretended to be asleep) when her Dad came around at bout 6.30 to sort something with the boiler i dunno what), and we all got in. We crashed for a while inside and of course when we woke there was a she load of booze right there and we got into it.

I dunno really why I'm telling you all this - nothing major fucking happened, was just an enormous fucking buzz all in all ups and downs and SUPER UPS - you get me... but I just haven't checked in in ages I LOVE YOU FUCKING ALL. Disgruntled and MAx Power and fucking ALL of you - sorry if I don't name you I'm tiiiuuuured and just got home and Erika of course I am still so in love but I will not mention her here too late ha... or not ha really. (Sorry. I know you're being very cool with me and it's all cool k?)

But anyway.

It was cool. I am .. I don't even know how3 my hands are typing words at this stage. 

Party while you can kids. k?

Tuesday, 10 May 2011


Sup, musicfagzz!!

This be Erika speaking. You may know me from such blogs as BRBGOINGINSANE and.... well, that's pretty much shit. I mean 'it'. FUCK!! The PryON in me is taking over.... ¬_¬

(Ooh errr.... "PryON in me" ~ herpderp. 0_0 )

I know jackshit about sound engineering. And I have shit taste in music. Just sayin'


Sooooo.... I'm not that musical a person. I play a little acoustic from time to time. Just random shit. Mostly acoustic anarcho-punk. YEAH!! FIGHT THE POWER!!!!

And as some of you may have noticed... THOUGH YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T CUS NO ONE HERE REALLY GIVES A SHIT..... I did write that one controversial line in my PryON song about raping dead babies. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS BTW!! DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR!!! But yeah.... Apart from that kinda shit, I never really know what to write songs about. 

And when I do, they come out shitty anyways.... NO, I AM NOT BUTTHURT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!! (with a cheesegrater.... or something equally as painful. Then come fuck ME! Because, indeed, my pussy does smell like lemon and lime. But that's just because my cunt cream CONSISTS of lemon and lime. And I would like to hear you scream as my vaginal juices seep into your open wounds.....)


1) It always helps to be as out of tune as possible. Then people can't rage at you for being out of tune because it is so blatantly INTENTIONALLY out of tune and you can throw that in their face. Along with other substances....

2) Create a friggin' awesome video for your musicz! This will distract your audience from your lack of musical talent and they will only remember your song for the music video. Just turn on MTV and watch the boobies bouncing up and down, then close your eyes and actually listen to the track. Yeah, you'll know what I mean....

3) MAKE YOURSELF AS VISUALLY APPEALING AS POSSIBLE! If you're hot, nobody gives a shit about how retarded your music is. Just turn on MTV and.... wait, I've said this. 

4) ??????

5) PROFIT!!!!!!! CONGRATU-FUCKIN'-LATIONS! Everybody loves you now, you have zee best musicz in zee worldz, and your mama would be so proud. I think you deserve that line of cocaine now. For you are now...... 


Here, have a rainbow!!
This is what PryON and I would look like

Monday, 9 May 2011


My head is still ringing (in a good way) from beers and wine last night so I'm a just go ahead and rip this shit up before sobriety kicks in.

Zombie that kick ass motherfucker has fallen for the blog award spam shit.
But since he rilly is such a dope motherfucker and reappropriated [edit: that word is shit hard to type when in still-a-bit-drunk mode] the award spam and all that shit - and even placed me TENTH in his top ten (*tenth* you prick wtf?)

So anyway.

The rules for this Zomtastic award are are:

  1. Thank the person who gave you this award and link back to them in your post.
  2. Tell us some things about yourself.
  3. Nominate 10 bloggers.
  4. Contact these bloggers and let them know they have received this award.
  5. - something that didn't copy/paste.
Thanks Zombie you rule. You live at [Since when is there a 'man', man?]

What don't you know already? I am an out of work alco sound engineer with a penchant for ... I don't even fucking know I just wanted to use that phrase.
My ex gave me a booty call last night which I didn't realise until four hours later - a 'watcha doin' text, to which I replied: 'I am trying to answer you without my phone giving me a headache. That's about it.'
Nothing else you need concern yourself with. Oh. I made some fucking amazing scrambled eggs this morning - didn't even need seasoning so FUCK YOU Michel whatsyername.

3. Erika brbgoinginsane
Max Power at whatever
Ed-word - somethingto ditract something something . Hang on...
Josh at I Cant Stand F∆
CPH - 365 Reasons to Kill yourself (because why the fuck not?)
[Man I am bored with this...]
amBored with the games and shit
Kim Anders
[Is that ten yet?]
[Aww man.] - just because there's a long ass comment from a while back even tho she didn't come back as far as I know even though she said she would. [even though, though]. is probably the shittest blog of all time - I only just saw what it was now from Erika's fanpage. And what the fuck? Just google image search 'funny fucking pics' man. What a waste of valuable Internet space.

4. I totally can't be arsed doing that. But maybe I will in a sec.

What was five, really?
There wasn't a five. Can it be get drunk again?

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Personal shit.

Seems I've really cooled off on here right?
Not even sure if Ed-word's last comment was a compliment or an insult.
I really haven't been too hectic lately. Well, either not too hectic or way ott.
Was pissing off some friends at their house the other night - getting fucked up on fortified wine and beer and causing general chaos.
Yet another smashed coffee table. This time on purpose (is that worse than by accident?)

Having got kicked out I came back and made a general dick of myself in a certain chatroom but neglected to drunk blog. I could barely see straight so it's hard to know would I have been able to construct anything even if I had.

But I promised to keep my personal shit off the blogworld a while back. (So why am I spilling all this info?)

I don't know, deal with it fuck face.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Compression not explained very much or very well. (again)

MAX POWER decided not to read some stuff and came out with a an annoying question that he would have understood from jfgi-ing. Etc.

But sunny Sunday afternoon beers has me in a moderately tolerant mood so I will delve into explaining that darkest of arts and what the fook IS compression?

I'm repeating myself which I abhor, and if you had actually read and carefully studied previous shit here I wouldn't need to.

Compression is what it says it is. It squashes the sound.
Compresses it, like, geddit?

Remember compressing the miced up bass. DO YA?
No because you didn't read that and fucked up completely as a result?

Well, at the time 'you' set the ratio up full and threshold to infinite.
The teeniest noise (amp hum) became as loud as the loudest noise (the thumb-slap).
Sounded pretty bad.

When you gave it more subtle compression, the nimble finger work was audible in the mix - just as the slap 'n' pop had been.

I also told you to look up loudness wars. The wiki article shows a great animation that visually explains compression perfectly.
But you didn't bother with that did you?

Look, your track - your 'song', has a really quiet intro, gentle verse and thrashing chorus. Without compression the chorus is loudest - sounds okay. But the verse is noticeably quieter and the intro is practically inaudible.

You whack a bit of compression in there and the loud chorus is brought down a few notches. When you push up the master now you can actually hear the intro and the verse is pretty present too.

It doesn't distort the signal but it does affect it. Sometimes it makes sucking sounds as the compression compensates between loud and quiet parts.

Slurp slurp. Sounds like a crackwhore guzzling cock in your favourite bj porn clip.

There are other factors to consider like attack and release time, but you just asked me to describe the workings of the shit so there you have it.

Beyond my sage wisdom, use the google machines, use your own compression wares and your brain and ears and eyes and get it into your head.


Now my only dilemma is beer in the sun or nap?

Sunday, 24 April 2011


How are you guys this fine Zombie Jesus Day?
Zombie o, zombie. Zombie no go think, unless you tell am to think.
(Hey to Zombie, that was for you).

So I went out with a couple of Hungarians I'd agreed to host for my idiot friend Pwn who had invited them to our other friends' house before realising he, nor they, would even be there.
They weren't too mad for the drinking. (Not that I would hold that against them - and I would hope also that they not hold my lushy lushousness against me). We had a beer or two here, and went out for ONE drink. Which I paid for. I can't afford that shit - not without getting drinks back.
Everywhere was too loud and drunken for them. We eventually found a place with an area with a sofa and no boom boom tunes. For ONE fucking drink.
Got them back here and forced a whiskey down their throats as I guzzled most of the rest.

Then I went and annoyed people on the Internet. You guys are lucky I didn't think to sign in to the blopposport is all I'll say.
Whiskey is a hell of a drink.

Why am I telling you all this? ffs.
On with this Mastering plop.

We're nearly done - no idea what shit I will talk about once your thooper dooper track is mastered and exported and getting fifty million views on pootoob.

Suggestions welcome.


Again with this fucker.
Much like EQ mastering, ('mastering EQ': whatever you: want: to call it) and everything else preached about here, I am not going to pretend I know dick about compression in the mastering process.
I've heard 'normalise only once'. *shrug* yeah sure. I guess.
I've normalised, compressed, 'mastered' a tune. And then decided I want another instrument in it.
Mix it again? Fuck that says I. I just reduce the master by a few db, lash in the new instrument or whatever. Normalise. Compress. Normalise. REcompress. Export it to notepad, check it against that green code stuff in the fucking MATRIX, change a few ascii characters here and there. Write "I AM THE FUCKING BOMB NOBODY CAN STOP ME" right there in the middle of the file, save, open it in PHOTOSHOP which says it's not a valid file until I slap it around and finally it concedes and does what it's told and THEN I paste an IMAGE OF MYSELF looking toooodally hot!!! into a new layer, reduce opacity to 50% and FFFINALLY convert the fucker into an mp3 at 60kbps bitrate and it still sounds like fifteen large refuse sacks of AWESOME because that is! How I roll.

Seriously, I break the rules. Never, ever break the rules. It is so bad.

Okay - here's my 'magic BREAK ALL THE GODDAMN MASTERING RULES trick'.


A thing called 'wavehammer' in Soundforge.
what is it? i doesnt soundforge anywhere

Get it.

I don't eq for precious dbs - just on instruments so it acheives the 'right' sound to my ear.

Then I make sure the output is not peaking in whatever software I'm using. (Rock stereo fader WAYY down LOL!)
Bring it in to Soundforge.

I barely ever master: eq: master.
I MAYYY roll off frequencies in the booooooooohhhhmmmmbooooooooohhhhmmmm end.

Normalise - This makes the loudest element of the tune 0db and brings everything else up the same amount.

Now here's the trouble. Half the freaking madbawnkorz snares I threw in at the end are 5db louder than the rest of the mix.
5 blasted db'z?! How the fuck did that happen? But they do sound all kinds uncredible HURTLING INTO MY EARS LIKE ACID HAIL. ZER0pH! IT BURNS BUT IT BURNS SO GOOD (WHAT???! *lifts dreadlock-wig behind ear*)

Eh... maybe I did everything wrong? Well, OBVIOUSLY, but...
Yep, get that all the time. I didn't mix it right really did I? I should go back and re-eq and compress the snarez an' all and redo the mix andfuck that BORRRING.

I zoom in on those hits, select them and draw a graphic fade which dips about 5db right on each hit. (I'm effectively doing a 'manual compression'.)
Normalise - adds 4.3db YAY!

Then I hammer it to fuck - within reason (the concept, not the software - nor with an actual hammer).

Wavehammer is a magical box of magical wizardry in Soundforge.
I used to spend hours dicking about with compression until this came along.

Same concept as compression above.
Find the average quiety part of the tune. 

Say it's about -8db. Set threshold to -10db.
Try the ratio at 2, then 2.5. Don't throw it higher than 3.5 - you are not Daft Punk remember.
Dick about until it sounds nice and loud, but no audible 'sucking' (you'll know what I mean when you do it, trust me *slurp*). Hit stop and check a recent release from a similar genre. Need to turn down the speakorz? Then you are doing it incorrectly my friend. HAMMER TIME!

Again, consider dynamics. (Google 'loudness war' a very interesting topic/'conTROVERSY' in today's music mastering eh.. climate. Actually the animated gif at might enlighten you visually as to what compression is all about).

(I am so signing up to be a soldier in the LOWWWWWDness W0rZ.)

Soooo. Nurrrly there. 

We will export your phat beetz next lesson (unless I get drunk and/or emotional about whateverz and go on a bloggin' rampage).