Friday, 8 July 2011

DJ Guide disclaimer

Right, I'm not the worst DJ in the world. 

95% of the time I am completely fucking amazing.
My track selection is mind blowing; mixing skills are pretty damn spot on and my programming is fucking brilliant.... but for that 5%

That 5% - that one misplaced tune eclipses the sheer wonder and brilliance of my dj-ing skills. Every time.

I have always managed to completely fuck up every start to any dj 'career' with one stupidly placed track.

This is why you should listen carefully to every word of the guide which will smack you in the face over the coming weeks, and then most importantly, disregard it all, because the essence of dj-ing is knowing what track to put on next. Something to suit the atmosphere and the mood of your crowd.

Yeah, try risks now and then, but never be uncertain and never panic. And NEVER EVER think you know better than your crowd.
True enough, much like a woman in bed, they don't know what the fuck they want but when you hit the spot they will love you for it and want to grind your body all night long.

Anyway, most of this guide will be ripped from 'How to DJ [Properly]: The Art and Science of Playing Records' by Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster (from memory of flicking through it in a music shop one time).

And by the way I don't give a fuck what kind of music you prefer. 
DJ sets with Velvet Underground, Tupac, Britney and Deadmau5 which WORK fucking WORK. Straight up jacking Chicago House sets which WORK, just fucking work. It makes no fucking odds what you play or are into: if your audience don't dig it it doesn't work.

Also, if you think I am going to get in any way stylistically technical any time soon, forget it.
Beatmatching is not to be encouraged until you know what the fuck you're doing. Your mates don't fucking like Detroit techno, why do you think they are at all impressed with your perfectly mixed sets at their party?

Just play some Parliament Funkadelic and Stevie Wonder for the fuckers so they can have a half decent night already. And stop trying to beatmatch that shit and all ffs - just play it out.

Oh and I also don't give a fuck about your equipment. Use a pair of cassette players for all I care. The principles are the same for all formats (although technical sound quality should almost ALWAYS be a serious consideration). 
We'll pretend you're playing on vinyl in the guide btw. Get over it.

*Contains curse words and shit - avoid this guide if easily offended dickface.

I feel like I've written enough and you fuckers won't bother reading any more (if you've even got this far, but fuck it, I drunkenly monologued this crap last night so it's now or never). I'll (yeah right) try to keep it brief.

[edit: a bunch of text removed]

Nope... I will post my personal tragedy of a DJ 'career' next post I reckon.


  1. So, you're saying I should automatically disregard 5% of everything you say? Shouldn't be that hard. Does this course in DJing come with a money-back guarantee?

  2. If you disregard any % of anything I say ever, your guarantee is null and void and you then have the option of: receiving a kick in the crotch or a case of beer / bottle of whiskey for me.

    Most likely former and latter if latter option is chosen.

  3. definitely looking forward to more of this :)

  4. I love your “I don’t give a fuck what any of you think “attitude

  5. "95% of the time I am completely fucking amazing."

    That Amazing chick must be soooore!

  6. k fine ur back i get it. also idk man... i guess i need to figure out my sets perfect! I'm all travelling around for the summer, but i will stare at your blog intently like a 14 year old girl who finds porn on the internet when her parents are out

  7. I tried to DJ once at my friend party back in the day. Sucked. Now I just dance to the music rather than play it. lol.

  8. I'm mentally prepared for your paragraphs of gold.

  9. feels sorta overwhelming, as my general idea of a modern dj is some guy who just presses play on his macbook

  10. Kick in the crotch it is. Fun fact, I have titanium balls. It's a side effect of being awesome. Go get your swag on, you damn swagger hyena

  11. Lol this was awesome to read "), i will definitely come back for some more! Keep posting ")

  12. Hmmm... Quite interesting :D Pleasure to read

  13. Awesome work man! Keep up the good work!

  14. Followed!
    Very good looking blog.