MASTERING: CuntPRESSION

How are you guys this fine Zombie Jesus Day?
Zombie o, zombie. Zombie no go think, unless you tell am to think.
(Hey to Zombie, that was for you).


So I went out with a couple of Hungarians I'd agreed to host for my idiot friend Pwn who had invited them to our other friends' house before realising he, nor they, would even be there.
They weren't too mad for the drinking. (Not that I would hold that against them - and I would hope also that they not hold my lushy lushousness against me). We had a beer or two here, and went out for ONE drink. Which I paid for. I can't afford that shit - not without getting drinks back.
Everywhere was too loud and drunken for them. We eventually found a place with an area with a sofa and no boom boom tunes. For ONE fucking drink.
Got them back here and forced a whiskey down their throats as I guzzled most of the rest.


Then I went and annoyed people on the Internet. You guys are lucky I didn't think to sign in to the blopposport is all I'll say.
Whiskey is a hell of a drink.


Why am I telling you all this? ffs.
On with this Mastering plop.


We're nearly done - no idea what shit I will talk about once your thooper dooper track is mastered and exported and getting fifty million views on pootoob.


Suggestions welcome.


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MASTERING: COMPRESSION.
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Again with this fucker.
Much like EQ mastering, ('mastering EQ': whatever you: want: to call it) and everything else preached about here, I am not going to pretend I know dick about compression in the mastering process.
I've heard 'normalise only once'. *shrug* yeah sure. I guess.
I've normalised, compressed, 'mastered' a tune. And then decided I want another instrument in it.
Mix it again? Fuck that says I. I just reduce the master by a few db, lash in the new instrument or whatever. Normalise. Compress. Normalise. REcompress. Export it to notepad, check it against that green code stuff in the fucking MATRIX, change a few ascii characters here and there. Write "I AM THE FUCKING BOMB NOBODY CAN STOP ME" right there in the middle of the file, save, open it in PHOTOSHOP which says it's not a valid file until I slap it around and finally it concedes and does what it's told and THEN I paste an IMAGE OF MYSELF looking toooodally hot!!! into a new layer, reduce opacity to 50% and FFFINALLY convert the fucker into an mp3 at 60kbps bitrate and it still sounds like fifteen large refuse sacks of AWESOME because that is! How I roll.


Seriously, I break the rules. Never, ever break the rules. It is so bad.




Okay - here's my 'magic BREAK ALL THE GODDAMN MASTERING RULES trick'.
(THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WRONGEST WAY TO DO ANYTHING, EVVVORR!)




MAGIC BREAK ALL THE GODDAMN MASTERING RULES TRICK
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A thing called 'wavehammer' in Soundforge.
hmm
what is it? i doesnt soundforge anywhere


Get it.


I don't eq for precious dbs - just on instruments so it acheives the 'right' sound to my ear.




Then I make sure the output is not peaking in whatever software I'm using. (Rock stereo fader WAYY down LOL!)
Export.
Bring it in to Soundforge.


I barely ever master: eq: master.
I MAYYY roll off frequencies in the booooooooohhhhmmmmbooooooooohhhhmmmm end.


Normalise - This makes the loudest element of the tune 0db and brings everything else up the same amount.


Now here's the trouble. Half the freaking madbawnkorz snares I threw in at the end are 5db louder than the rest of the mix.
5 blasted db'z?! How the fuck did that happen? But they do sound all kinds uncredible HURTLING INTO MY EARS LIKE ACID HAIL. ZER0pH! IT BURNS BUT IT BURNS SO GOOD (WHAT???! *lifts dreadlock-wig behind ear*)


Eh... maybe I did everything wrong? Well, OBVIOUSLY, but...
Yep, get that all the time. I didn't mix it right really did I? I should go back and re-eq and compress the snarez an' all and redo the mix andfuck that BORRRING.


I zoom in on those hits, select them and draw a graphic fade which dips about 5db right on each hit. (I'm effectively doing a 'manual compression'.)
Normalise - adds 4.3db YAY!


Then I hammer it to fuck - within reason (the concept, not the software - nor with an actual hammer).


Wavehammer is a magical box of magical wizardry in Soundforge.
I used to spend hours dicking about with compression until this came along.


Same concept as compression above.
Find the average quiety part of the tune. 


Say it's about -8db. Set threshold to -10db.
Try the ratio at 2, then 2.5. Don't throw it higher than 3.5 - you are not Daft Punk remember.
Dick about until it sounds nice and loud, but no audible 'sucking' (you'll know what I mean when you do it, trust me *slurp*). Hit stop and check a recent release from a similar genre. Need to turn down the speakorz? Then you are doing it incorrectly my friend. HAMMER TIME!


Again, consider dynamics. (Google 'loudness war' a very interesting topic/'conTROVERSY' in today's music mastering eh.. climate. Actually the animated gif at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loudness_war might enlighten you visually as to what compression is all about).


(I am so signing up to be a soldier in the LOWWWWWDness W0rZ.)


Soooo. Nurrrly there. 


We will export your phat beetz next lesson (unless I get drunk and/or emotional about whateverz and go on a bloggin' rampage).