Trip

I am taking a trip.
I can't say where or for how long, or if I will be jailed for life as a result.


However, in the meantime I have published the ENTIRE fucking mix/master guide to a separate page up there somewhere.
I hope Ed-WERD won't be pissed about that (he's been copying all the 'sound' advice into a Word doc - I'm sure he wouldn't have bothered had he known I would do it but I didn't fucking know until today man, I AM SORRY!)


Anyway, whether you care for audio and music production or not, you should read every sensual word of the guide because, srsly dood, I want to make you a little hard n horny or moist in the knicker-pants and I put a fuck load of work into choosing just the right tantalising phrases to acheive that aim. 
Even if you have no CLUE what a 'reverb unit' is and have no inclination to do any audio work on anything evvvorr, idc, get your horn on from my meticulously crafted poetic prose and adore me for it and fantasise twice daily about it as you rub one out ffs. (I know you do it at least 3 times, so you can easily dedicate two to me, I deserve it COMEON!) Yeah.


(Sound familiar? - yeah I cut that from one of the pastes for the guide. I posted dem werds before one time, but it definitely deserved to be posted again).


So anyway. Enjoy the guide. Wish me luck and I hope to see (almost) all of you on the other side!

Another new leaf & Exporting Your Master

I got well distracted. 
Those of you who might be just here for the drama, sorry I guess. I'm done with that shit.


I'm getting back to the real reason behind this blog.
It's not to hook up with some irrational nutjob who shits marshmallows out her mouth and licks her cat's ass.


DONE with that shit. (suggestions on what to do with the $30 of paypal donation we got to actually hook up welcome).
Going to concentrate now on the good shit.


K.
So after this last bit on mixing and mastering (if you missed previous stuff you may have to sift through various bullshit soap operas but I assure you it's worth it) I will fucking teach you clueless cunts how to DJ because why the fuck not?




I don't dj if I can help it. 
People are retarded and have terrible taste in music. But if you're into bothering at all I can show you how to play a room full of idiots a few tunes so that they would rather spit on you (in a 'nice' way) at the end of the night than scream at you for not playing Bob Dylan (ffs - Dylan is all very well two or three people chilling at home when all conversation has dried up but there's still a shit load of weed, but we have a room of clueless fucks to entertain and try and get dancing here you SPA) or Black Eyed Peas or whatever bullshit ("oh, I DO have it, but left it at home, sorry").


ANYWAY.
...last lesson mixing/mastering your precious audios...



---------------------
EXPORTING YIZR MASTER
---------------------



Yo mah choon is like all BOOMKAPOWBLOMSMACKAPAKAWUPVROOM in mah earz an mayk my sexwee come in muh pantiez YUSSSSSSSSSS! Uhm *the toungue thing again* ...expoat, empeefree... er *tounge thing*




<b>Hold up, wait a minute!</b>





People will tell you not to use mp3. They will demand you use some lossless format that .01% of people in the (non music) real world give a shit about. 
*shrug* 
I do mp3 but I would advise you to read up on lossy and lossless formats and decide for yourself.


You are uploading to your fucking youtube anyway (which I *told* you not to do) so they will reencode and fuck your sound up so whateverz man. (I think soundcloud actually do that also - AND seems to me they compress/effectively auto-remaster. 
What am I doing on soundcloud? They are shitheads! AND youtube are doing HD audio now wtf? WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT? 


ANNNEEEEETHIIIIING!)


Export/transcode at NO LOWER than 192kbps. Use a variable bitrate if you insist, but I don't. 
Variable bitrate is essentially a bunch of digital gremlin sprite things which go RIGHT INSIDE YOUR FILE, right in there, like, and tinker with your precious datas. Fixed bitrate leaves the digital gremlin sprite things out of it and even your mother will tell you that's just common sense.


Kewl. Look at you with your very own mp3 which you can hold in your hands and pet lovingly and cradle in your arms as you rock it to sleep in the evening and all the witty stuff I'm bored of trying to say anymore.




But, yes. Yay for you. Yay for me. Yay for all of us.
I do hope there has been a *morsel* of helpfulness amongst the huhhhuhhuhhhLARIOUs ranting and terrible, terrible sound advice.


x

Last post?

K. Aside from personal tragedies and such - which you have witnessed in real time and documented here...


...I've been slow to get back into the sound engineering stuff because I have fuck all left to be honest.
I've shared almost everything I know regarding mixing and mastering.
I don't care to get into recording techniques because as I said - use a dictaphone if that's all you have and record your shit live in your bathroom with the thing taped to the cistern if that works for you. 


I can't know about all your gear and offer advice on how to record. You have to experiment with all that yourselves. If you want to spend money on studio time and engineers and that, just use your head and only use a space and people you are comfortable with.
If you're doing it at home, be creative with what you have. I dunno - that's all I can say on it really.


Or you know - just use DAW's and samples and be 100% electronic because it's fucking EASIER.


- or be abstract as fuck because that's even easier again (less lucrative though).


Sorry - I really wasn't on a downer when I started this, but I feel my mood and tone dragging a bit.




I'm just sad is all, that I don't seem to have anything more to contribute blog-wise and that the fucking awesome prospects that kicked off when I started this seem to have been shattered pretty much.
My own doing, I know... same as just about anything in life.


But yeah. Anyway. I guess I could do you a course in 'djing' but I would just be ripping off Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster.




Let me know. Tell me what you want from me. Encourage me. 
I love you guys very much and I want to keep interacting - even if all the romance is ballsed up possibly beyond repair. :[

Party while you can

Yeah. Fuck, so shit. So damn. K.
Guys.
Sorry I'm kinda buzzed right now.


Was on an .. well a semi-allnighter. I got about four hours sleep. Between 6 and 10 I think and then woke up and got stuck back into it.


This girl. Fucking cool friend of mine [edit NOT MY EX OR ANYTHING SEXUAL] accidentally locked us out of her own place right?
We were coming back from the bar or some shit. Wait. Music. music.


Music - sorted - drown out the noise of the fucking or w/e from upstairs. THIS IS COCAINE SPEAKIN.


Cool so.


Yeah. We tried out best to have the funs for a while but it was looking a bit shit - all the booze was inside and we were outside right?


And then Feet Wit Da Feet came along (that's whats we call him cos he got feets - and he dances crazy like). And he had the happy happy and we all had a goo and suddenly we didn't really give afuck we were locked out it became like a game and then just fun times really, hanging on the porch playing some fuckin crazy games and stuff (won't go into it now but I could say that the friends 'knickers' (as she called em) ended up over Feet's jeans... and there was 'blood' on 'em. - and more I can't .. never mind.)


After about three hours or something we'd almost all passed out (I just pretended to be asleep) when her Dad came around at bout 6.30 to sort something with the boiler i dunno what), and we all got in. We crashed for a while inside and of course when we woke there was a she load of booze right there and we got into it.


I dunno really why I'm telling you all this - nothing major fucking happened, was just an enormous fucking buzz all in all ups and downs and SUPER UPS - you get me... but I just haven't checked in in ages I LOVE YOU FUCKING ALL. Disgruntled and MAx Power and fucking ALL of you - sorry if I don't name you I'm tiiiuuuured and just got home and Erika of course I am still so in love but I will not mention her here too late ha... or not ha really. (Sorry. I know you're being very cool with me and it's all cool k?)


But anyway.


It was cool. I am .. I don't even know how3 my hands are typing words at this stage. 




Party while you can kids. k?

ERIKAAAAA!! FUCK YEAHHH!!!!

Sup, musicfagzz!!

This be Erika speaking. You may know me from such blogs as BRBGOINGINSANE and.... well, that's pretty much shit. I mean 'it'. FUCK!! The PryON in me is taking over.... ¬_¬

(Ooh errr.... "PryON in me" ~ herpderp. 0_0 )

I know jackshit about sound engineering. And I have shit taste in music. Just sayin'

BUT READ ANYWAYS, DAMMIT!! 

OR I SWEAR TO LUCIFER AND HIS ARMY THAT

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND CUT YOU!!

Sooooo.... I'm not that musical a person. I play a little acoustic from time to time. Just random shit. Mostly acoustic anarcho-punk. YEAH!! FIGHT THE POWER!!!!

And as some of you may have noticed... THOUGH YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T CUS NO ONE HERE REALLY GIVES A SHIT..... I did write that one controversial line in my PryON song about raping dead babies. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS BTW!! DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR!!! But yeah.... Apart from that kinda shit, I never really know what to write songs about. 

And when I do, they come out shitty anyways.... NO, I AM NOT BUTTHURT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!! (with a cheesegrater.... or something equally as painful. Then come fuck ME! Because, indeed, my pussy does smell like lemon and lime. But that's just because my cunt cream CONSISTS of lemon and lime. And I would like to hear you scream as my vaginal juices seep into your open wounds.....)

SO THIS IS HOW I MAKE MY SHIT AWESOME!!!:

1) It always helps to be as out of tune as possible. Then people can't rage at you for being out of tune because it is so blatantly INTENTIONALLY out of tune and you can throw that in their face. Along with other substances....

2) Create a friggin' awesome video for your musicz! This will distract your audience from your lack of musical talent and they will only remember your song for the music video. Just turn on MTV and watch the boobies bouncing up and down, then close your eyes and actually listen to the track. Yeah, you'll know what I mean....

3) MAKE YOURSELF AS VISUALLY APPEALING AS POSSIBLE! If you're hot, nobody gives a shit about how retarded your music is. Just turn on MTV and.... wait, I've said this. 

4) ??????

5) PROFIT!!!!!!! CONGRATU-FUCKIN'-LATIONS! Everybody loves you now, you have zee best musicz in zee worldz, and your mama would be so proud. I think you deserve that line of cocaine now. For you are now...... 

UNTOUCHABLE!

Here, have a rainbow!!

This is what PryON and I would look like

if we were FURIOUS MOUNTAIN LIONS!!

<333333333

SPAM AWARD!

Yo.
My head is still ringing (in a good way) from beers and wine last night so I'm a just go ahead and rip this shit up before sobriety kicks in.


Zombie that kick ass motherfucker has fallen for the blog award spam shit.
But since he rilly is such a dope motherfucker and reappropriated [edit: that word is shit hard to type when in still-a-bit-drunk mode] the award spam and all that shit - and even placed me TENTH in his top ten (*tenth* you prick wtf?)


So anyway.


The rules for this Zomtastic award are are:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award and link back to them in your post.
2. Tell us some things about yourself.
3. Nominate 10 bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and let them know they have received this award.
5. - something that didn't copy/paste.

One

---

Thanks Zombie you rule. You live at http://zombehseverywhereman.blogspot.com/ [Since when is there a 'man', man?]

Two

---

What don't you know already? I am an out of work alco sound engineer with a penchant for ... I don't even fucking know I just wanted to use that phrase.

My ex gave me a booty call last night which I didn't realise until four hours later - a 'watcha doin' text, to which I replied: 'I am trying to answer you without my phone giving me a headache. That's about it.'

Nothing else you need concern yourself with. Oh. I made some fucking amazing scrambled eggs this morning - didn't even need seasoning so FUCK YOU Michel whatsyername.

Three

-----

3. Erika brbgoinginsane

Max Power at whatever

Ed-word - somethingto ditract something something . Hang on...

partofmewontagree.blogspot.com/

Josh at I Cant Stand F∆lling.com

CPH - 365 Reasons to Kill yourself (because why the fuck not?)

ageneralmalcontent

[Man I am bored with this...]

amBored with the games and shit

Kim Anders

staredad.net

[Is that ten yet?]

[Aww man.]

rinnsgames.blogspot.com/ - just because there's a long ass comment from a while back even tho she didn't come back as far as I know even though she said she would. [even though, though].

funnypicturesallthetime.blogspot.com/ is probably the shittest blog of all time - I only just saw what it was now from Erika's fanpage. And what the fuck? Just google image search 'funny fucking pics' man. What a waste of valuable Internet space.

4. I totally can't be arsed doing that. But maybe I will in a sec.

What was five, really?

There wasn't a five. Can it be get drunk again?

Personal shit.

Seems I've really cooled off on here right?
Not even sure if Ed-word's last comment was a compliment or an insult.
I really haven't been too hectic lately. Well, either not too hectic or way ott.
Was pissing off some friends at their house the other night - getting fucked up on fortified wine and beer and causing general chaos.
Yet another smashed coffee table. This time on purpose (is that worse than by accident?)

Having got kicked out I came back and made a general dick of myself in a certain chatroom but neglected to drunk blog. I could barely see straight so it's hard to know would I have been able to construct anything even if I had.

But I promised to keep my personal shit off the blogworld a while back. (So why am I spilling all this info?)

I don't know, deal with it fuck face.

Compression not explained very much or very well. (again)

MAX POWER decided not to read some stuff and came out with a an annoying question that he would have understood from jfgi-ing. Etc.


But sunny Sunday afternoon beers has me in a moderately tolerant mood so I will delve into explaining that darkest of arts and what the fook IS compression?


I'm repeating myself which I abhor, and if you had actually read and carefully studied previous shit here I wouldn't need to.


Compression is what it says it is. It squashes the sound.
Compresses it, like, geddit?


Remember compressing the miced up bass. DO YA?
No because you didn't read that and fucked up completely as a result?


Well, at the time 'you' set the ratio up full and threshold to infinite.
The teeniest noise (amp hum) became as loud as the loudest noise (the thumb-slap).
Sounded pretty bad.


When you gave it more subtle compression, the nimble finger work was audible in the mix - just as the slap 'n' pop had been.




I also told you to look up loudness wars. The wiki article shows a great animation that visually explains compression perfectly.
But you didn't bother with that did you?




Look, your track - your 'song', has a really quiet intro, gentle verse and thrashing chorus. Without compression the chorus is loudest - sounds okay. But the verse is noticeably quieter and the intro is practically inaudible.


You whack a bit of compression in there and the loud chorus is brought down a few notches. When you push up the master now you can actually hear the intro and the verse is pretty present too.


It doesn't distort the signal but it does affect it. Sometimes it makes sucking sounds as the compression compensates between loud and quiet parts.


Slurp slurp. Sounds like a crackwhore guzzling cock in your favourite bj porn clip.




There are other factors to consider like attack and release time, but you just asked me to describe the workings of the shit so there you have it.




Beyond my sage wisdom, use the google machines, use your own compression wares and your brain and ears and eyes and get it into your head.


...ffs.


Now my only dilemma is beer in the sun or nap?