Sunday, 27 May 2012

Playing Out

Yeah, so I'm taking a break from six months or more of 'not having internet' and 'sucking cock for cans of  specialbrew' to conclude this horrendous pile of unreadable crap.

You're a dj, blah yadda watevs, you have your tunes - ready to play out. Play them in he right order. Surprise people but don't fuck them off. Stick to your plans but be prepared to completely change them and never EVER play a request unless a) you warily think it actually works better than your current idea and know where to go next or b) you have no fucking idea what to play next anyway - then scramble in desperation  for that record and make a new (idiot) friend.

Play them in the right order.

Look, don't plan your WHOLE SET you spanner. Sounds shit-hot to one person only. You.
...In your bedroom...
 NOT 50+ people in a social environment ffs. Their mood will change, and often according to your playlist. Your preciously prepped list might leave them wondering wtf is going on and where the night went so fucking STUPIT when you drop that 'genius' free jazz number that worked so well, alone, to you... alone... between Nick Cave and grinding techno.

At most have 'mini sets' you can switch up to suit the atmosphere. Other than that, play knowing what's next up and what might probably follow and two suitable directions you can go from there. (And know how to find all those musics - have them all ready and 'marked' as you go, in whatever way you see fit - vinyl dj's often prop certain records up in the box, at 45 degrees for example).
Point being, no matter how 'tailor made' your set is, it might tick your crowd off. You may have misread them before even knowing them. Or... their collective mood might change (some cunt might turn up with ketamine for everyone... let's see how your 'current popular music' goes down then knobbo).

Be ready to switch that shit up. KNOW YOUR TUNES so that you can change direction if necessary... and above all:

Play them in the right order, shithead.

Don't play your aMAZEbawllz slammin trax off the bat you doof. Warm up to something kicking, ease off and so on and save the good shit for last. (BEEP! Be prepared NOT to play those sacred tunes because in the moment, you know in your deepest soulheart that it won't work *sadface*)

Yes, I know noone is dancing and a 'floor filler' will 'fill he floor' but if you can't follow up don't fucking bother - that's a bigger let down for everyone than if you're just playing tunes people can enjoy background (yeah, what a horrible idea - fucking IMAGINE if you played songs which didn't compel people to suck each other off because they're 'that good' GIMME A FUCKING BREAK you are there to entertain).  As long as people don't leave the room en masse, every annoying fucker who crosses the empty dancefloor to say 'quality choon man' is a fucking BONUS.
If you get people dancing you are not God of their fucking night as much as you wish you were. You can lose them just as quick.
Play the sawngs in the right order and stfu.

If you mess up, fix it.
If it's a minor fuck up, just lead back to solid ground - where people were at LEAST tapping their fucking feet.
If it's major, pull that shit. GET IT OFF dammit. Quit being so precious. Surprisingly not EVERYONE spontaneous-orgasms constantly to all ten minutes of Rez by Underworld (again, *sadface*). More power to you if you scratch the needle over the disc as if to say, "YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU ARE ALL CORRECT, I SUCK, HERE IS SOME ERASURE!' - so at least the homo's, metro's and faghags can enjoy a bit of something before you go try playing your Mr. Bungle/Neil Landstrumm mash-up you misguided, self-important shitface.

You are here to play music for the people. And unless for some demented reason they came to see *you*, you must play THEIR music at THEIR pace but hopefully with a decent sense of what works when (because they have no idea, trust me).
Work them and mould them further into their own buzz.
If they are gurning to fuck on MDMA, toy with them with the boomboom,  let it RIP... and calm them the fuck down before doing it again even harder.
If they are drunk, hold off on the anthems until that point where they're all just about to flag, then revel in watching them all spring to life as they encircle eachother, arms flailing about strangers' shoulders as if they go so far back they might have played with each others' pee when they were 6.
etc. etc. play your crowd. PLAY THEM!

Play *with* them, *FOR* them and play them like the mindless fickle puppets they are... but bear it all in mind, they might just develop a more discerning taste than even yours and walk off your 'floor and out of the room. And trust me, the most depressing performance experience is dj-ing to an empty room. Even 'performance art' of trying to suck your own dick alone in front of a mirror (as frustrating as it can be) is more rewarding.

This is tough. The manager might give you warning or just cut your power at exactly 2.30 AM. Or may allow an 'encore'... or the crowd might not even chant "WAN MO CHOON!"
Either way, if you do any planning of your set (don't do too much srs), save a couple of *appropriate* tracks you think will work at the end and, yet, as always, be prepared to switch it up. 
At that point you're either on a high from success or don't give a fuck anyway, so w/e, but just bear in mind it's your last chance to leave an impression.
At this point you may choose to replay a certain track.
If you *know* this is going to work, then do it. Otherwise NEVER replay. Even any given artist. NEVEREVEREVEREVEREVR unless [insert exceptions].

Well done Mr. DJ [I'm not being sexist, bitch, DJ's are 'men', even if they have clits so stfu vagina crotch].
And now it's time to reap your rewards!
FUCK is it!
Haha. The manager will be 'unavailable' to pay you.
All those hotties you flirted with have long since been 'escorted' home by total douches and you are left alone with your music and three random jackets people asked you to look after and forgot to pick up.

Maybe there's something of value in the jackets.
Otherwise, pack up, go home, alone... with a thumping head but still crank* yourself to sleep to a few tunes when you get there because, fuck it, MUSIC.

*crank - v. and n. - combination of wank (masturbation) and cry.


  1. Good. I needed closure. Here i was all ready to be a superstar DJ, but I needed the last info to transcend my sound into gold. Btw, Crank may be my new favorite word.

  2. I would be curious to hear the names of some specific songs and/ or artists that you're into playing.

    1. My sets consist entirely of me playing my two copies of Beyonce's 'Crazy In Love' - back to back, or repeating parts, 'dubbing' with the instrumental version and so on.

      If it's a special occasion I do the same with The Bangles 'Walk Like an Egyptian' (the 12" dub version is AMAZING) for 40 minutes or so at the end of the set.

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