Selection

Alright alright STFU!
I know I haven't been here to change your diapers and mop your stinky face for weeks at this point, but sorry kiddo, Daddy was drunk ngK?


Yeah. For two weeks. Get over it.




So last time - which was, like, fucking way longer ago we discussed how you'd have been better off in the late sixties working in a mine in Northern England buying two or three 45rpm singles a week than you are now with your excessive pocket monies and access to all the free music in the world at the end of a keyboard. You asshole, your music collection FUCKING SUCKS!

Not least because it is hugely compromised squished-to-fuck tinny cruddy muddy mp3s, but mostly because it just does. it sucks.
Too much choice these days... rant rant rant. Etc.


Let's pretend you have a DJ gig coming up (yeah right).
And let's PRETEND you have a half decent 'record' collection.


What will you SELECT to bring?
Bear in mind vinyl is heavy and takes up space in your bag.




No, no, no: idgaf if you are dj-ing from your laptop in real life. This is another exercise which will focus your dumb ass.




You have to play for 6+ hours. Three to six minutes a song, that's a back breaking amount of vinyl.
If you're clever and done the collecting good then you don't have a dud tune... but!

...you have to play a certain type of crowd innit?

Let's say... it's 1984.
And it's an underground house venue.
You are, of course, from Chicago or possibly New York, and male (obviously)... and gay. And black.... and probably high as fuck most of the time.


But that's beside the point, check it.
Seven inch singles are no good now.
The discotheque has massive boomboom speakers and you want to take advantage of that bass. Albums and 45's will NOT cut it.
Also, make sure ALL of your selection is produced kick ass with plenty of bass in there and a generally amazing balance across the board.
Most of it should HOP out of your own home system and give you at LEAST a semi when played out on the club's speakers.


(Same translates to digital you guys. Shitty 128kbs mp3's sound awful - even CD's suck. Do NOT drop a tune that isn't full and powerful sounding).


You are totally down on all the latest underground hits and you have 'em all on 12". Nice.
Grab maybe 45% of those.
Do yourself a favour and don't look like a clueless dick... the records you bought yesterday and THINK are great might actually only SEEM great to you right now. Perspective man, get some.


Learn that that shit wasn't so hot by yourself in a week rather than getting over excited, blowing your load behind the decks only to witness an empty floor. (Having said all that look up Ron Hardy playing out 'Acid Tracks' for the first time).


ONLY bring records you know in your heart and soul to be absolute beauties. That way you can't put a foot wrong.
ONLY bring records that will suit the crowd, venue and atmosphere.
You made a few reel-to-reel edits. You think they kick ass, but do they really? 


And THAT said, do take risks. It's a house venue - they want the four-to-the-floor, but how about some Santana to chill those hyped up bitches out? That re-edit you made of Love Is The Message with the wussy intro gone and the extended break could blow the place APART! How about that cod-tastic Chicago number to surprise them? Just because 'Holiday' by Madonna is 'so last year' and too commercial doesn't mean the crowd may not go fucking wild for it if played at the right moment.


Just don't have one fucking tune accessible to you for the night that will be indulgence for you alone. Be honest with yourself about this. You ARE NOT PLAYING FOR YOU!
And... THAAAAAT said - don't play ANYTHING you don't completely believe in. If in any way actually into music, the crowd will read that and walk.


I hate to, but I'll summarise, just this once:

1) Select GOOD QUALITY well produced tunes (*unless you are Jamaican).

2) Bring only the styles of music that will work for the crowd & venue.
3) Careful now - new and exciting does not mean 'good' - try and be objective as possible about new releases.
4) Stray from number 2 (and even 3 a bit), knowing that you're willing to take risks and surprise them.

5) DO NOT *JUST* INDULGE *YOURSELF*!
6) Number Five.


...7)Be very fucking wily about how you pack your records.

Do not (EVVVVVVORRRR) pack your set fully programmed, but do it with a game-plan in mind. Put the tunes you know will work together together, the stuff you think will work first at the back (yes, at the back shhh now. Playing vinyl, you will realise why while playing out) etc. Do be prepared to deviate quite wildly at times and be 90% sure you can find any record in the selection in one minute or less.


Call your mate Barry to help with the extra bag you really shouldn't be bringing - it's mostly shit music that will ruin your rep.


See you for the set.

Update - another trip.

Fuck me. So sorry all. I went on a 'shopping' City break recently.
Got in a bit of bother. Not much, but funny that I actually purchased a hoodie and scarf before my trip considering the amount of fucking gear I 'obtained' while away and the amount of sports shops with 'free' hoodies I visited.


I have no interest in sports goods, so I just threw nikes in burning vehicles mostly.


I should holiday elsewhere but I do love that city.


Can't go into too much more detail, but just to let you know I will be back on the dj thing pretty soon.


Also, I love you fuckfaces. Catch y'all up in time.

Collection

Alright you sick twisted thieving fucks.
I realise you have 276GB of unforgivably lossy lossy (look that up I cba) mewsick on your hard drive, all of which you obtained in the most conniving and criminal of ways - illegal Internet download, but let's consider this fact:


87% of those cruddy mp3 files are shit.
That's not just my opinion (my opinion is actually in the high 90's tbh).
That's not just objective fact (probably same figure as mine).
That's YOUR fucking opinion you douche.


How do you expect to be able to separate the cream from the crud moron?


I has fowldors + I maintains em good.




I give a fuck.


Let's instead consider the bad old days.
The days when you'd sweat and bleed for four shillings and a ha'penny a week.
The highlight of that week would have been a Saturday afternoon trip down to Ron's Rekka Sto'.
You'd pop into Ron, red faced and beaming as Ron rubs his hands gleefully under the counter.


Ron knows you like the funkier shit and he's set aside some of the rarer imports he knows you will drool over and weigh up your cinema outing and decide to forgo the vague opportunity of a fondle with Francine for the sake of the latest rare motown 45 (because you my friend are a geek, and you shamefully choose trainspotter ornithologist collector ways over a good grope at the talkies).


Through the jigs and the reels and the chat and the listening you decide to definitely get the motown number and even though you hate the Rolling Stones, fuck it, you'll take Jumpin' Jack Flash because it's a damn stonking tune in fairness. Having your slacks let out will have to wait another week. Or perhaps Aunty Felicity might do it if you drop in for a spot of delightful teacakes and a natter later on.


After two years of toiling in this way you have built a sizeable collection.
You are the envy of your muso nerd mates and when they need someone to play some numbers after their weekly gig at Dandelion Garden (because dj's are all the rage these days) you're the man they call upon.


Now you haven't a clue about dj-ing. It's only one turntable so that will have to do.
But more to the point you can't read a crowd, and you can't program for shit.
First night you play all your funky shit up first, all in a row and then mellow the crowd out a little too much because you (quite rightly - with exception later when you get actually good at it) refuse to replay records.


It's not a great start, but you have one fucking solid gold weapon.


Will you ever play a bum track?


Fucking never.


Because you don't HAVE any bum tracks.


Every single single you eeked your hard earned cash out for is incredible because it had to be.
You couldn't click a mouse three times and download Ace of Bass' entire backcatalogue only to realise you do actually hate it all and would never ever play any of it in a set (idiot, a couple of their successful singles are fucking brilliant - listen PROPERLY!)
Back in the rough old times you had to actually listen when you made the choice to part with the moola.
You had to really consider which tunes gave you the biggest boners and which ones you sadly had to let go because they didn't make you cum a little right there and then in Ron's.


And hence, even after your first gig, with its faults and fuck ups, extended periods of dead air, playing album tracks at munchkin speed for a few seconds, its misread badly programmed come down iffyness, people think you are fucking amazing. Because they didn't even realise they fucking adored every single tune. Even the ones they'd never heard before.
And now they trust you and your taste and you just know when you get the sequencing down you will have them wailing and crying from the sheer exquisiteness of your set.


Get it?


Get it?




So here's your homework you spoilt techno-brats.
You're going to Ron's Rekka Sto'.


Take a virtual $50. Go on take it - it's only imaginary.
Go to discogs.com or ebay or wherever.
'Spend' it on VINYL releases (try to avoid reissues please) between 1967 and 1970.


Do not make a set list out of those tunes. Yet.


Do it again another three times at least a day apart and then make a set from the $150 worth.


(Strap on your virtual mask and striped pullover if you like and burglarise the Internets for the mp3s and make the playlist if you fancy. But I may call the cyber police on you.)


One bum track and you will never be a disco dj like you might have been if you worked the mines in those 'dark ages' we just fantasised about.

Personal DJ History

My first proper gig I idiotically roped in a friend (who introduced me to the ways of the technoes) to warm up.
Had I done the gig alone (and possibly not pissed him off by telling him what not to play) and not ended a decent enough set on a fucking awful selection with shockingly bad production, I may have got the regular spot instead of him.
Use your brains.


My next stint was via a bouncer I knew at a trendy bar. Fucking disaster - the place was always empty except for the VIP room which was NEXT DOOR to the bar I was 'spinning' in. (Not my fault, but that set up just never fucking works - piped music is piped and if you can only 'read the crowd' by intermittently running back and forth to another room then, well, you can't read your fucking crowd can ya?)
One night, no word of a lie, I dropped a tune off a U2 album that wasn't actually U2. As coincidence would have it, after I packed up and was waiting downstairs fucking Bo-no swans in for a late-night tipple.
Maybe if I'd had an audience to bounce off I mightn't have been so bored after playing four hours of music to a solitary barman and still been playing tunes for the arrival of His Highness and consequently not been dropped like a hot snot.
Play until you're told to stop.


In film school I made a short documentary about DJ-ing. Used a local pro to to demonstrate the 'ins and outs' in a 'day in the life' kind of thing.
After wrapping he invited me to dj at a house party.
I wanted to cater for the drunk guests as well as the ecstasy riddled hosts. Bad idea.
Much like men will follow women to the floor no matter what, drunks will dance to anything as long as ANYONE is dancing.
I was playing out the boom boom and decided to switch it up and throw in some Prince and shite. The wrecked buzz was palpable. That decision brought everyone (except the three drunk fuckers) down 10 notches and the messy drunks finished off the buzz-wreck as I tried to get the techno-train rolling again. But it was too late. That 5% again. Never be 'clever'.


Next up was the 'party scene' proper. I just about had the stamina, and did get away with playing sets for the drunks and then for the rockers and then pillheads, but as dawn rolled in through the windows and bathed the place in a peachy glow, I denied the druggies their banging tunes and played out 'Les Fluers'. It was fucking beautiful but only one other person (also a dj) really appreciated it.
Then, in disgust I popped a Joey Beltram banger on the table and played it over and over. They ate it up. I sneered down my nose and forgot to play the reserve techno mix-CD I'd had, just grabbed all my shit and stormed off.
I was not invited back to play. You are not 'better' than your crowd.


I did a number of after-party sets for a very popular '80's cover band. They'd pull about a thousand proper fans in a few times a year. They paired me up with another cunt. (The only time that has ever worked for me was at my own party one time - playing one-for-one with a good buddy. Great fun, but a once off).
First few nights were successful enough, particularly because he'd fuck off and leave me to play Madonna 'Like a Prayer' and New Order 'Blue Monday' and rock the fucking place by the end.
But then he ditched the cd's and brought in a laptop.
I'd peer over his shoulder at the playlist and ask him not to play certain tracks I'd hauled all the way across town.
Not cool. Either way.
He ended up playing very lukewarm New Jack bullshit and emptying the room.
I'd pick it back up but the energy would drop again on his next set.
No consistency and I no doubt ticked him off considerably. That last night I ended up playing pure rubbish to a room a third full of disinterested piss heads.
Don't be a dick.
If possible I will only ever play out solo again. Only trouble is smoke breaks.


And my last stint (in a '70's styled bar) was killed by a badly chosen smoke-break record.
I didn't even really need that smoke, but I threw on an extended spiraling funk record with ridiculous sprawling sax solos going nowhere.
When I got in from the cig, maybe four minutes into the worst of the tune I realised I'd have to pull it.
As I flicked the fader to a Doobie Brothers track, the head barman was at my shoulder already complaining.
"Yeah, I realise that tune was rubbish, that's why I flicked to this one" didn't save me. Neither did "I don't tell you how shit a barman you are you cunt" oddly enough.
And they cancelled my NYE gig without notice. Nice.
Don't be a lazy selfish cunt.


Perhaps one day I will play a successful gig or six.
Or perhaps you shall, if we all bear in mind these failures.

DJ Guide disclaimer

Right, I'm not the worst DJ in the world. 


95% of the time I am completely fucking amazing.
My track selection is mind blowing; mixing skills are pretty damn spot on and my programming is fucking brilliant.... but for that 5%


That 5% - that one misplaced tune eclipses the sheer wonder and brilliance of my dj-ing skills. Every time.


I have always managed to completely fuck up every start to any dj 'career' with one stupidly placed track.


This is why you should listen carefully to every word of the guide which will smack you in the face over the coming weeks, and then most importantly, disregard it all, because the essence of dj-ing is knowing what track to put on next. Something to suit the atmosphere and the mood of your crowd.

Yeah, try risks now and then, but never be uncertain and never panic. And NEVER EVER think you know better than your crowd.
True enough, much like a woman in bed, they don't know what the fuck they want but when you hit the spot they will love you for it and want to grind your body all night long.


Anyway, most of this guide will be ripped from 'How to DJ [Properly]: The Art and Science of Playing Records' by Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster (from memory of flicking through it in a music shop one time).


And by the way I don't give a fuck what kind of music you prefer. 
DJ sets with Velvet Underground, Tupac, Britney and Deadmau5 which WORK fucking WORK. Straight up jacking Chicago House sets which WORK, just fucking work. It makes no fucking odds what you play or are into: if your audience don't dig it it doesn't work.


Also, if you think I am going to get in any way stylistically technical any time soon, forget it.
Beatmatching is not to be encouraged until you know what the fuck you're doing. Your mates don't fucking like Detroit techno, why do you think they are at all impressed with your perfectly mixed sets at their party?
Just play some Parliament Funkadelic and Stevie Wonder for the fuckers so they can have a half decent night already. And stop trying to beatmatch that shit and all ffs - just play it out.


Oh and I also don't give a fuck about your equipment. Use a pair of cassette players for all I care. The principles are the same for all formats (although technical sound quality should almost ALWAYS be a serious consideration). 
We'll pretend you're playing on vinyl in the guide btw. Get over it.


*Contains curse words and shit - avoid this guide if easily offended dickface.


I feel like I've written enough and you fuckers won't bother reading any more (if you've even got this far, but fuck it, I drunkenly monologued this crap last night so it's now or never). I'll (yeah right) try to keep it brief.


[edit: a bunch of text removed]


Nope... I will post my personal tragedy of a DJ 'career' next post I reckon.

Wupp.

K. So. And everything.


I know I've been absent and practically living in the 'sad corner' and avoiding all of this and no offense, but Erika just posted and suddenly I have energy again.


Whatever we've been through and all. And all everything else.


But huzzah motherfuckers.


brbgoinginsane.com/2011/07/update-711.html?showComment=1309992614362#c4119929852336418828


If that's a link I will kill myself.


No matter I've said I'd kill myself over various innocuous events many times over the past week or two but never meant it.


Just wanted to let y'all know and hopefully I'm na get myself out of my funk.
That first guide and everything that went with it rocked my world.
Maybe too much and I guess I needed the break.
Stoked now but, so DJ guide on the way?
Mmmm.... let's hope ffs DJ guide on the way.

FML

There's so much shit that bubbles inside of me that I can't disclose.
It hurts a little.


Needless to say - I went on my 'trip'. I wasn't jailed and didn't do much that would warrant such. And I'm back.
And I wish I wasn't back but I am. I would far rather live in the streets and forage for free food wherever and whenever and beg for coins for booze to share with a special companion or two than be here and lost and lonely and have only my bed to comfort me.




I've been sleeping up to 15 hours a day since I got back and looking at only one screen - the snowy tv signal - even snowier since I threw the rabbit ears across the room and haven't bothered since, to position them for a decent signal.


Sorry, I promised my 'come back' post would not be depressing, but sick from the sleep and tv and self-pity, I finally got this machine back up and had to post *something*.


I hope to motivate myself, ignore the down and give a half decent DJ-guide starting pretty soon.






Thanks to those who commented while I was absent

Zombie, Mrs. Pickle, ed, D4, Generally Disgruntled, Zombie (again), Drivebot (maxpower)

Y'all rock. Let's catch up soon.

I don't feel it's over. Let's get this motherfucker rolling.

Also: Steve Reich - Different Trains, am I Reich?